Read time: 4min
Welcome to my weekly newsletter – Where I use real stories from my life to unpack lessons and insights I have learnt. I hope you enjoy the material and gain something impactful to apply to your life.
What’s in store:
2015 – Let’s just be real, I cried a lot.
Mom’s 5 tips to deal with the loss of a child
Losing my 2 best school friends
Strategies to process loss
Quote – He will wipe away every tear from their eyes…
– 2015.
To say this year was challenging is an understatement; it seemed to cut me between bone and marrow, heart and soul. It tore me tip to tail. It questioned everything I knew about the meaning of life and got me to the point where I asked the question; what in the actual!
Where there is pain in the night – joy comes in the morning. It was a long night, but I am happy to say the morning did come with a peace that passed all of my logical understanding.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was perched on a stool at the kitchen counter. I was at a friend’s for dinner; she was making me her famous chicken salad. The phone rang; it was my father, he had it on load speaker, and my mother was next to him. Trev, we need you to drive to UCT (the University of Cape Town) tomorrow morning and be with your sister. Dad, don’t scare me like this; WHY DO I NEED TO DO THAT? Because son, your sister has died. I need you to tell your little sister in person. We do not want to phone her now at night – your brother knows he is with us.
Wait, wait, wait! Hang on…WHAT?
I remember thinking, what is this man saying on the other end? He is speaking, but his pitch is unchanged and is without intonation – it doesn’t add up. My brain struggled to piece it all together; the calm, rational man and the bereavement he had just shared did not make sense. What was I missing? I had a million questions…
I wept.
My beloved grandfather (Papa) had passed away just a few days before. He lived down the road from me for many years, and I would visit him and my Nana every Saturday for her famous flapjacks. I loved my grandparents dearly. They were loving and kind and had invested so much into my life. I have the fondest memories of them and am forever grateful for them. The reality is, I figured my parents must have still been in shock from his passing and the consoling they did with Nana (Nana and Papa were married for 69 years! Losing your best friend after 69 years- hell, that’s a thing!)
I remember trudging slowly from the kitchen to the bathroom for more privacy. My heart was shattered in a different way than with the news of Papa. As the tears welled in my eyes and slowly rolled down my face, I asked them the dreaded question: What happened to her?
Son, she couldn’t take it anymore.
My sister struggled for ten years with a condition known as Fibromyalgia, which causes pain in your muscles and joints throughout your body. It can also make you feel fatigued, not to mention other conditions like osteoarthritis and depression. Experts don’t know what causes fibromyalgia — and there’s no cure.
The life she lived, or let me rather say the life she couldn’t live, was entirely ruled by this illness. It consumed her being. No longer was she able to be a human being; she was merely a human existing (do an audit of your own life – please don’t merely exist, you need to live).
Four hundred! That was the number of meds she would consume monthly to deal with the vast array of incurable maladies. Once a month, she would get injections from the top of her head down to her coccyx. This would help temporarily and let her function until it wore off halfway into the month. This was not a way to live. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know there are a lot of people out there that deal with much worse. For her, this was much worse.
I said a tough goodbye to my parents, hugged my friend – for a long time and went home. Later that morning, a friend was kind enough to accompany me to UCT to tell my baby sister – we shed many tears together on Jammie’s stairs. From that moment on, our bond has been different. Thinking back, that was the most challenging week of my life. I had to put on a brave face and interact with clients for the next three days until I could fly to Joburg for the funeral and to be with my family. Because my grandfather and sister had passed away so close to each other, we had to combine their funerals.
My now wife, Daniella, met my parents for the first time that day. She was a great shoulder to cry on and a pillar of support to my family. I couldn’t think much about it back then, but how tough that must have been for her. She was meeting this guy’s parents, who had just lost their father and their firstborn child, and she still wasn’t even sure if she liked me that much. I think back to that day; my mother’s sorrow and deep anguish are something I can never forget. Looking into her eyes that day reminded me of when I spent time in the jungle of Mozambique many years earlier. One day I visited a prison, standing shoulder to shoulder in this big dark prison hall, men sentenced to life for the heinous crimes they had committed. While I walked down the line shaking their hands, I looked into their eyes and immediately had to look down. It was the strangest and saddest moment! I could see that there was a void. A devoid of hope. It’s difficult to explain unless you’ve seen it through someone’s eyes. It is a look I had never seen again until that day I looked into my mother’s eyes. I am thankful to say the twinkle of hope returned quite quickly. This is in no small part to her faith. She is the most selfless, compassionate God-fearing woman I know. The way her faith has grown despite what she went through is inspiring, and I believe if it wasn’t for her hope in the Lord and his peace, that passes understanding. She would be a bitter and angry old lady to this day.
Nearly three months to the day of Papa’s passing, my Nana, who was fit, healthy, and strong, died of a broken heart. I flew back to Joburg for her funeral. After the funeral, we walked into the church garden, where there was a wall. We added Nana’s plaque below the other two – Another tough day.
My mother had been through a lot those few months and decided it was necessary to visit her Mother in Australia, who wasn’t doing so well. She landed in Sydney, transit to Brisbane, where my gran lived. On landing in Sydney, she removed her phone from flight mode, only to be bombarded with missed calls and messages – her mom had passed away while she was in mid-flight—another blow to her and the family. My mother spent some time with the family there and comforted my grandfather. The plane had barely touched down back in SA when we got word that my grandfather had a very aggressive cancer we didn’t know about. It took his life within a couple of months. Until this point in my twenty-something life, I had not experienced death. Not close to me, at least. I remember a conversation with my father about a year before; Son, we have been fortunate not to experience acute death; I fear the time is coming.
Talk about words having power!
I believe God works in mysterious ways. I do not understand his ways; however, I know his timing is perfect. It wasn’t even two years later, and my best friend from school passed away from cancer, leaving his wife and his two-year-old girl. If I had not gone through what I had gone through, I would never have been able to console his wife, mother, and brother the way I could because of what I had gone through. I understood their pain. I really did. I lost my other best school friend last year, and again I can sympathize with the deep grief the family was going through and support as needed. Of course, I wish I had never had to experience it myself, but I have understood that it’s part of life, and I need to accept this.
I asked my mom for five things that had helped her deal with her losses.
This is what she said:
I realized pretty soon that bottling it up keeps the wound intact, so although very hard, I needed to talk about it openly and honestly; it aided in my healing process.
Worship music and thank God for the time spent with them. I would crank it up and sing, cry, and praise.
I was pouring out my heart to God, journaling. My anger, frustrations, praise, and thankfulness all mushed together in scribbled wet words on a page.
Seeing a grief/trauma counselor and online support groups has been a massive help.
Walks in nature, sunrises, and sunsets – reminding myself of where my loved ones are. That has been an immense comfort.
I did not have a process like my mother. I did learn this, however;
The cliché – time heals all. It is pretty accurate. Although I wouldn’t say it heals all, it’s just that with time; the incident moves further into the memory bank. New memories are made with loved ones – these then take center stage.
Having a good honest cry – This made a big difference for me. Growing up being a “tough guy” with a father who didn’t show emotion – why should I? With the passing of each family member and, more recently, close friends. I have become the biggest crybaby. A slightly sad scenario plays out in one of my daughter’s movies, and I tear up. It isn’t enjoyable, but I literally cannot help it.
Spending time in God’s splendor and majesty was being alone in nature, taking it all in. This is a big one for me, and it helps massively.
Naming my daughter after my sister – Making my daughter’s second name my sister’s name has been an excellent way for me to remember her and keep her with us.
According to the American Psychological Association:
Research shows that most people can recover from loss on their own through the passage of time if they have social support and healthy habits. It may take months or a year to come to terms with a loss. There is no “normal” time period for someone to grieve. Don’t expect to pass through phases of grief either, as research suggests that most people do not go through stages as progressive steps.
Grieving individuals may find it helpful to use some of the following strategies to help them process and come to terms with loss:
Talk about the death of your loved one with friends or colleagues in order to help you understand what happened and remember your friend or family member. Avoidance can lead to isolation and will disrupt the healing process with your support systems.
Accept your feelings. You may experience a wide range of emotions from sadness, anger or even exhaustion. All of these feelings are normal and it’s important to recognize when you are feeling this way. If you feel stuck or overwhelmed by these emotions, it may be helpful to talk with a licensed psychologist or other mental health professional who can help you cope with your feelings and find ways to get back on track.
Take care of yourself and your family. Eating healthy foods, exercising and getting plenty of sleep can help your physical and emotional health. The grieving process can take a toll on one’s body. Make sure you check in with your loved ones and that they are taking the necessary healthy steps to maintain their health.
Reach out and help others dealing with the loss. Spending time with loved ones of the deceased can help everyone cope. Whether it’s sharing stories or listening to your loved one’s favorite music, these small efforts can make a big difference to some. Helping others has the added benefit of making you feel better as well.
Remember and celebrate the lives of your loved ones. Anniversaries of a lost loved one can be a difficult time for friends and family, but it can also be a time for remembrance and honoring them. It may be that you decide to collect donations to a favorite charity of the deceased, passing on a family name to a baby or planting a garden in memory. What you choose is up to you, as long as it allows you to honor that unique relationship in a way that feels right to you.
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. – Revelation 21:4
In your day, be courageous, confident, and curious.
Your Friend
Trev.
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Thank you.
